A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.