[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I need a headline like this
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?