I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
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After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.