A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?