A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him