A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
oppen heimer style lol
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight