A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
The best shot in the history of golf
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.