A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.