“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
What’s a Messi?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc