A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this