A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.