A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.