A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
WHY?!
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.