Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Bringing home a sharpie
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.