where do you see yourself in five years?
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I get distracted pretty eas
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.