I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
You Might Also Like
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.