Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
One venti cheeseburger please.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy