A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My plans: 2020:
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.