How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
me opening up to someone