A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me