A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Try and stop me.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
only 11 steps left
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people