A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
#SaturdayBears
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.