A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts