A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Sooo many times…..
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.