A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Strange
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Yup!
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|