A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”