@whostrevors: A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the "mid air" beach picture :(
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@BarryVonAwesome: Do you know who REALLY gets irony? Skydiving schools. Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate! *releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: When your friend tells you she's thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
@joeheenan: My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman. I asked him who it was & he replied “She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight” A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.