2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I like donuts.
Twitter:
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Dear Lord..
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part