A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it