@cashbonez: [A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
@briancthayer: Hamburglar search history: • sentence for stealing burgers • do inmates get burgers • what is prison "beef" • countries that don't extradite
@mylifesuckers: Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?
@dshack8: Although no words have been spoken per se, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.