[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.