[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂