A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Ironic
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Jail
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.