The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”