@andylassner: A Morning After pill but for over eating.
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@upsidedowntrash: Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@Reverend_Scott: I'll take Manly Men for $500, Alex. "Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time." What are instructions? "Correct."