@Moronyc: A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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@GrantTanaka: Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
@nbadag: NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
@dildointherough: Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
@radtoria: Cute guy: Is this seat taken? Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles* Him: *takes chair away*