A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
me hooking up with my ex