A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Damn what did I do next
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets