I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I have no passwords left in me
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear