Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
You Might Also Like
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.