A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Breaking news:
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh