earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
me logging onto twitter
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Very good news from my accountant
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass