a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Phones down.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.