a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Lmao
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?