A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked