@ericONEderful: A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don't go to the gym often.
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@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
@CelebrityChez: Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great! Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.
@hello_saylor: As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.