A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
for all #parents out there
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.