A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.