Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.