A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
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Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Only a mother’s love …
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.