A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE