A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
peep davidson
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.