Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
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[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My neck, my back, my…
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.