This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.